Alone
by OmoideKeeper
Summary: COMPLETED 4/12/02. Hints of yaoi. There were two couples but when Duo and Quatre had an affair, Trowa left the house and WuFei and Heero just stayed. Now they meet at the circus. NCS hints.
1. Default Chapter

Alone

By OmoideKeeper

* * *

Crystal tears fell from a pair of lifeless, glazed emerald eyes, soaking the soft pure white pillow beneath Trowa's head. He hadn't cried in so long, he thought he'd forgotten how, thought he'd never learned how. Apparently he was wrong. Not really a surprise. He was wrong about so many things. __Why? Please tell me why...__ he pleaded with himself again and again as he curled himself up into a tiny ball, trying to find answers, trying to find the cold, cool mask he'd always worn to fool those outside. The mask had worked so well to keep him safe. 

So well, it had fooled everyone he needed it to and beyond. It had also fooled some whom he'd needed to understand. Was that why the mask had cracked? He needed people too much to keep himself safe and secure. He should never have allowed himself to get close to other people. It only brought him pain and suffering. Trowa knew he'd begun to unwind from the nearly perfect soldier he'd been, but he needed the safety and the comfort of the mask now. Without it he felt naked and alone, lost in a world he'd only just become familiar with. 

Dimly he glanced around the trailer, trying to remember when he'd gotten there, how he'd gotten there. Ah. Yesterday night. On the last bus, just in case someone was following him, to give them a chance to bring him back. The date and time would explain why the suitcases were still packed and sat on the end of the bed as if waiting for someone to notice them. That would also explain why he could still smell the inedible soup Catherine insisted on cooking for him last night, the night he'd arrived back at the circus he'd first used as a cover-up and then as a second home,for the first time since he'd left that night in AC 196 to fight in the Eve Wars. 

How did he get to the circus, to the trailer, to Catherine? It was quite simple, he supposed, his mind drifting towards the danger areas, the areas he knew he needed to avoid for his only protection against the emotions he should never of allowed himself to feel. He'd left the safehouse. That was the part he couldn't really get over. Oh, it wasn't as if the pilots really needed safehouses anymore, the war being over for four years now, but they'd all shown up at this one at various times, and eventually settled down there with each other. All five of them in one house. It had never been the same after that, forming lovers and reaching into each other's souls. 

Trowa choked back a sob as he forced his thoughts away from the safehouse. Those were the dangerous thoughts, the ones he couldn't afford right now. There were reasons for what he did, and he needed to remember that. Tomorrow he would start working for the circus again, and would forget everything about the war, about the Gundams, and most of all, about the Gundam pilots. He would start remembering how to be alone.   
  


"He's gone." 

Quatre blinked. Surely Heero was joking. He wouldn't have just LEFT without saying anything to anyone...right? "Gone?" he asked, his voice strangely calm in the tense air. It all felt so surreal to the young Arabian. He knew he should be feeling something, should get mad at Heero for creating such a cruel joke, but something stopped him. Heero didn't joke, not about things like this, not about things that really mattered. Even so, he WAS here, right? 

WuFei glared at Heero, annoyance filling the Asian's features. "Who's gone, Yuy?" he asked, his voice unusually curt with his koibito, his midnight eyes narrowing as he waited for an answer. He didn't like the sound of Heero's voice, nor did he like the way Heero seemed so angry about what was going on. A part of him wanted to comfort his koi, but he knew nothing good would come of attempting that feat at this point. The only way to deal with Heero when he was angry was to wait him out and hope that nothing TOO expensive got damaged. 

"Trowa," the swift one word answer came. Heero crossed the room to sit next to WuFei, his eyes never leaving Quatre. His hand found WuFei's, for once glad of the comfort his koi could give him. Anger was evident in every core of his body as he shifted his glare to Duo. Duo shifted uncomfortably and quickly got up to leave. He went upstairs to his room, never looking back to meet Heero's eyes. He didn't dare look and see the accusations. "He left." 

"I heard you," Quatre replied, his voice still even and calm. "I'm going to my room." Quatre stood and walked to the staircase, making his way towards his room on the second floor, trying to feel something, anything. The one person he'd called his lover for the past three years was gone, but he couldn't feel anything. No, it wasn't that. He felt sad, but it wasn't something strong enough to force him to tears, it wasn't something that made a monumental difference in his life. Trowa would come back to the safehouse eventually. He had to. 

Was he turning into a monster? Surely there must be something else he felt because of Trowa's departure without a word. Yes, there was something else. Relief? Yes. Relief that Trowa was out of the safehouse, that he was the one who'd left instead of someone else. Instead of Duo. Duo was the one person who could help Quatre now, and the blonde deviated from his original path towards his room to walk towards Duo's room, hoping they could talk, or that Duo could help him forget his problems, if only for a few moments. He suddenly stopped, remembering the hurt look in Duo's eyes as Heero gazed accusingly upon him. No, Duo had his own set of problems and it wouldn't be fair to impose on him at this time. He walked back to his own room, feeling the tears rising up within him.   
  


"What the hell is wrong with him, WuFei?" Heero asked, his prussian blue eyes full of anger and confusion. Ever since Duo and WuFei had 'convinced' him to come out of his shell two years ago, they'd all learned so much more about the pilot of 01. Sometimes, as now, however, Heero startled the calmest person by emitting his emotions so strongly and forcefully. It seemed as thought Heero had a personal stock in the matter at hand, and WuFei understood the Japanese's anger intimately. "Doesn't he CARE at all that Trowa left because of him and what he did? Doesn't he have a heart at all?" 

WuFei was silent for a moment, weighing all possible answers, all possible questions he could shoot at Heero. He thought a second longer, then decided on the question which could either provoke the most volatile response from Heero, or the shortest. Either way, the conversation would end a bit quicker, and Heero would regain his calm much faster. "Which one are you talking about, Heero?" WuFei asked, his voice quiet and calm. 

A stare met the question as if Heero was trying to understand what he was talking about. Realization dawned on the Japanese, and Heero placed his head on the Chinese youth's shoulder, feeling some of his tension escape him as security enveloped him. "I don't know, WuFei. I just don't know anymore. I don't WANT to blame them, but..." 

A soft kiss stopped his words, gently soothing and reassuring. WuFei looked deep into his eyes, calming Heero. Finally breaking eye contact, WuFei smiled a sad half-smile. "I know, Heero. I feel the same way. It's not entirely Duo's fault, nor is it entirely Quatre's fault, but it's hard not to get angry when something like this happens." 

Heero relaxed a bit more, his eyes sliding partially shut. "Where do you think he is, WuFei?" the question inevitably came, breaking the silence with the one question they didn't really know if they wanted an answer to. 

WuFei kissed Heero's forehead as he thought, finally responding. "Knowing Trowa, if we want to find him, I'd say we follow the lions." 

"The lions?" 

"The lions." 

"Why don't we go to the circus tomorrow with the other two, WuFei?" 

"That sounds like a good idea, Heero-koi."   
  


Duo gazed out the window, wishing a storm was brewing. At least then he would be able to compare the way he felt inside to SOMETHING he could see. "I didn't mean to do this, Hee-chan. Can't you see that?" he asked the cold glass, leaning his head against the cool, clear crystal. "God damn it, I didn't mean to do it!" he yelled, punching the wall beside him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, a tear streaming down his cheek, followed by another, and another. Boys don't cry, but did that really matter anymore? He was alone now. All alone. 

He'd never felt more alone than the moment Heero and WuFei had told him they knew... 

FLASHBACK 

Duo sits reading a book in Quatre's expansive library (recently shipped by the Maganacs for Master Quatre's enjoyment). His feet rest upon a footstool as he leans into the thick chair, totally relaxed, reveling in the moment. His deep blue eyes framed in his chestnut bangs remain trained on the words as he hears footsteps coming towards him. 

"Duo," Heero's voice cuts in the middle of a word, drawing Duo back into reality, away from the fantasy world he'd been inhabiting. Duo blinks as he looks up, his eyes finding Heero's and questioning, a bit of annoyance at being interrupted showing through his eyes. 

"We need to talk," WuFei adds, his oh so black eyes catching the blue, warning and asking. The Chinese's body was tense and rigid, and Duo felt shocked as he noticed the hurt look hidden within the two pairs of dark eyes which held his gaze. 

"Now," both Heero and WuFei finished. 

Duo suddenly felt very afraid, staring at his two koibito's wondering what was happening. Wondering why the world seemed to drop away from him. "Yes?" he asked, placing the book on an end table next to him. He knew if he tried to stand he'd fall, but the two appeared to be waiting for something. Heero's eyes were both sad and angry, a startling contrast to the normally calm youth. 

"We know you've been sleeping with Quatre." 

END FLASHBACK 

"I didn't mean to do it..."   
  


"Get up!" Heero pushed Quatre out of his large four-poster bed onto the thick carpet. "We're leaving in five minutes, and if you're not in the car you'll regret it, Quatre." Heero was in no mood to play games with the Arabian, and he meant what he said. If he couldn't blame Duo, the only other to blame was Quatre, and he decided that's what he'd do. WuFei dealt with Duo this morning, and he got to talk to Quatre. "Get moving." 

Quatre's sleepy eyes focused enough to dimly register the ivory carpet beneath him. "Where are we going, Heero?" he asked, pushing himself to his feet. He raked his fingers through his honey-blonde hair, his cerulean eyes finding the youth dressed in long blue jeans and a green tank-top. It was definitely Heero, even though the threats seemed too forceful for the calm Japanese. "What's so important that you need to push me out of bed?" 

"Get to the car," the cold response came as clothes were shoved into Quatre's hands. "We'll talk more later. I promise you that." Heero's eyes blazed with frustration. __The old Quatre would've known. The old Quatre would've understood.__ Quatre wasn't hurrying, and if they didn't get going soon they'd miss the first part of the show, and he wanted the pilots of 02 and 04 to witness the entire thing. If he was right, Trowa would be performing in several acts, and he wouldn't be up to his normal standard. The pilot of Wing had to wonder how the two would handle watching their friend, the one they drove away, almost fail in what he should excel in. He had the feeling they wouldn't like it. "We're late already." 

The blonde Arabian looked up at Heero, words forming on his lips. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he could not bring himself to voice. __I'm sorry, Heero. I didn't mean to do it. I just loved Duo, and I thought no one would find out if I... It doesn't matter, does it? You'll never forgive me. Duo loves me, but he loves you and WuFei more. Can't you see how much you're hurting him by your anger and your refusal to talk to him? Go to him, forgive him, even if you can't forgive me. Damn it, forgive Duo. He's too good and beautiful to be hated the way you hate him right now. Trowa will understand someday, I know he will. I didn't want to hurt him, but he just turned and walked away when I told him, not letting me explain...__ 

"Is there something else you wanted to say, Quatre?" Heero asked impatiently. Quatre shook his head and dressed, wincing slightly as Heero grabbed his wrist and half dragged him down to the car. "Get in," he commanded, holding the door to the back seat open. The blonde got in, his eyes trained on the ground. Wherever they were going he had no choice in the matter, and he wasn't sure he liked it that way. What was Heero planning? 

Heero got into the driver's seat, waiting. __WuFei, hurry up. We need to get going!__ he thought, his eyes searching for a sign of his koibito.   
  


A sharp shove pushed Duo out of his bed onto the floor, stopped from hitting his head on a nearby table by a hand. "Wake up. We're late," WuFei's voice cut through the hazy mind of the half awake Deathscythe pilot. Clothes quickly found their way into Duo's hands by way of WuFei's tosses, and slowly Duo began to dress himself, wondering what was going on. 

"Where we goin', Wu?" Duo asked, his mind not registering the events of the past few days. He was still talking to WuFei, his koibito, one of his loves. His long brown hair was quickly braided by deft hands, and Duo sighed as he leans into the Chinese's ministrations. _I_ love it when WuFei braids my hair. He's so good at it...__ 

WuFei inwardly swore as he realized Duo didn't remember the past few days. He wasn't sure if he wanted Duo to remember or if he only wanted it to be easier on him. Regardless, he knew he needed Duo to remember for the day's events to fully happen. "Wake up, Duo, and finish getting dressed. Heero and ***Quatre*** are waiting for us in the car," he replied gruffly, trying to ignore how beautiful Duo was, his emphasis on Quatre's name duly noted by the pilot of 02. The events of the past few days sunk into him and he felt like curling up into a ball to hide from the world. 

"WuFei, I did--" 

"Get up, Duo. We're late," WuFei repeated himself, dragging Duo to his feet. "If we're any later Heero will leave without us." WuFei moved towards the door, looking back over at his shoulder at the American who still stood unmoving. "Are you coming?" he asked, trying to ignore the sound of worry that rose in his voice. 

Duo blinked, and nodded, following WuFei out of the room, forcing his tears down. __Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys ***don't*** cry.__ "WuFei, where are we going?" he asked, careful to stay just behind WuFei. The Chinese didn't answer, and Duo bit his lip to keep from getting angry. "Where are we going?" he asked again, his eyes betraying his annoyance. 

"Ask Heero," WuFei responded, waving to the Japanese who waited impatiently in the car. He held the front door open for Duo, indicating he should sit there, next to Heero. Duo's eyes widened as he realized WuFei and Heero were deliberately placing he and Quatre apart from another, deliberately placing themselves up for a ride of tension. 

"Heero, where are we going?" Duo asked, sliding his seat belt on a bit tighter than strictly necessary. He stared out the slightly fogged glass window as he spoke, not ready to look at his ex-lover. Some things were just too painful for the American to handle, and he couldn't bear to see the accusations in Heero's eyes again. 

"You'll see when we get there," Heero replied, starting the car. They backed out of the driveway, and they were on their way.   
  


Quatre stared, unwilling to move from his seat, not entirely willing to breathe as he gazed out the window. "You can't be serious," he pleaded with WuFei who sat next to him in the still moving car. "Tell me you're not serious," he asked, his eyes trying to find a hint of emotion in WuFei's gaze that would tell him what was going on. __No, I can't. I won't. They can't make me,__ he thought to himself, aware he sounded much like a child in his secret thoughts. 

"We're quite serious, Quatre. We bought the tickets last night, and we decided that we should all go and see the circus since it was in town," WuFei replied, his eyes searching to help Heero find a parking space. "Over there, Heero-koi," he motioned towards a recently vacated space on the right, noting Duo's almost imperceptible wince at his use of the affectionate nickname. __Can't stand to hear it, Duo? Why? You chose Quatre over us.__ 

Duo turned to face the blonde Arabian he'd recently begun to call his lover in place of the other two who also inhabited the car. "What's wrong, Quatre?" he asked, his expression worried as he looked at the disturbed youth. He wanted to understand what was going on, but he didn't know how to find the words to calm both Quatre as well as Heero and WuFei. __Damn it all. Why can't things be simple? It started out with a kiss, but now it's so much more. I didn't mean to fall in love with Quatre. He was just so damn sweet, and lonely...__ "It's only a circus." 

Quatre shook his head, trying to find the words to explain his unwillingness to go inside the huge tent, the monster which held the key to his doom. If he could only find a way to stay outside, he'd be fine. "He doesn't want to go because it's a certain circus where Trowa worked," Heero commented drily, parking the car. "Let's go. We've got tickets, and I doubt we want to miss ***this*** show. It's a special showing because an old cast member came back to work. Today's his first day back on the job in fact, so he's in several acts, just for today. Interesting, don't you think?" he asked no one in particular as he stood to get out, holding the door open for WuFei. 

The Chinese thanked Heero with a soft kiss, again noting Duo's wince. The couple walked over and motioned for the two remaining in the car to get out. Duo sighed and slowly opened his door and stood. He slammed his door and gazed at Quatre for a moment before helping the blonde out of the beat-up Honda Heero had christianed Wing Honda. Quatre and Duo didn't touch, although they both needed comfort, as they followed Heero and WuFei into the tent, watching as Heero gave the tickets and WuFei bought a cotton candy for each of them. 

It was time for the show to begin.   
  


Trowa watched the crowd file in, mentally reviewing his acts. He was participating in almost everything due to the fact that he'd just come back and that several cast members had called in sick. Noticing a few of them in the audience, he guessed the latter reason for his many appearances was mainly due to the former. __I can't do this, not today, not now. Why did I agree to this again?__ he mentally wondered, his eyes searching the crowd for any other familiar face. One of the lions gently nuzzled his hand through the cage bars, and Trowa smiled down at his old friend. "Well, we're on soon," he whispered, running his hand through the mane of the normally ferocious beast. "Get ready, all right?" A small smile crept over his face for the first time in so long. 

His eyes narrowed as he noticed the normally reserved box was filled with characters he could barely make out. "Catherine, who are those people?" he asked, his voice slightly suspicious as he tried to remember why he felt so nervous. His sister remained quiet for a moment as she sought the answer in her memory. "Catherine?" he repeated, turning to face her. 

"Sorry, I don't remember, Trowa. They bought tickets for every show we had planned this year, so they got the box. It was kind of weird though, they signed in a code," Catherine laughed as she thought back on it. "I remember how hard it was to calm everyone down after that. Even so, they paid in cold, hard cash, so it was all right." She glanced outside, and motioned for Trowa to follow. "We're on." 

He nodded and followed, still nervous about what was going to happen. Could he really pull this off after so long? Trowa turned to the lions, motioning them to come. They growled as they strode outside, their heads held high. They could sense Trowa's uneasiness and it transfered to them. Trowa murmured words of encouragement and they completed their circle around the rings to their places, waiting for Trowa's motion before they walked off stage. 

Trowa quickly changed into the clothes he'd wear for the next three acts, placing the half-mask he wore during his act with Catherine on his face at the last moment. It would prove to be an interesting touch to the normally routine circus. It might be a bit harder to do some of the acts with the mask, but it would definitely be a crowd pleaser, one that he'd perform over and over again. He knew he'd get a bonus for thinking this up, but he didn't admit the other reason he wanted to wear the clown mask for this performance. Something made him want to run and hide, and it wasn't just the fact that they were near the safehouse. It had to do with the people in the box. 

Trowa knew he'd seen those people sometime before, even if he couldn't place when or where. For that reason alone he didn't trust them at all. Something hid from him in his memory, teasing and taunting him to come and find out what he didn't quite want to know. There was something, he was so close to finding out what it was... __Damn it, I'm on.__   
  


From the stands the four Gundam pilots watched as Trowa paraded his precious lions around the rings, noting how the lions seemed unusually restless under the care of the more than competent Trowa. The youth with green eyes bent to whisper something to the lead lion, calming him. "Something's wrong with the lions today," a man commented to his wife beside him. "I've come to see this circus every time it's in the town. Whenever that boy's leading them they're as gentle as lambs, but today they seem so agitated!" he added, his eyes trained on the magnificent beasts. 

"Maybe it's the boy. I've heard that beasts, especially those giant cats, react to their handler's emotions rather strongly if they've been connected for a long time. Do you think he's upset about something? That could be why they seem so frustrated for today's show. They might not be able to do anything to help the human they love so much. After all, you said it yourself. Usually with him in the lead they're docile. So, something must be wrong with them, or him," the young woman replied, her gaze following her husband's towards the ground below them. 

Quatre tried to ignore the woman's comment, not able to tear his eyes away from Trowa even after he left. He kept staring at the place Trowa had disappeared to go back stage, his eyes full of so much unsaid emotion. __I didn't think I'd feel so much if I saw him again. I didn't think I'd hurt this much if I just saw him, especially since he doesn't know I'm here. He looks so sad and alone, so...__ he stopped his train of thought, knowing there was no time for that now, not while Trowa was so near. __What kind of person am I turning into? I ***love*** Duo. So why do I feel this way when I see Trowa's face? I shouldn't, it's wrong. I chose Duo over Trowa because I loved him more. That's the way it is.__ "It's a beautiful circus, don't you think so, Duo?" he asked, needing to hear reassurance from the American he loved. 

"Yeah, Quatre," Duo replied, looking at Heero and WuFei instead of at the circus below them. The pilots of Wing and Nataku sat two rows in front of them, having chosen to sit apart from them. Pain rose up in the braided pilot's chest as he watched Heero bend over and kiss WuFei's cheek, whispering something in his ear. WuFei nodded, a simple motion bringing an ache where Duo's heart should be. __But of course, my heart's somewhere else. It has to be somewhere else if I actually cheated on those two. With ***Quatre*** nonetheless. Quatre who has, or ***had***, a boyfriend. What kind of monster am I turning into?__ he wondered, his eyes trained on the two in front of him. He hadn't been the one who'd initiated the affair, but he'd participated, and so he was just as guilty. 

Duo looked down to notice Trowa glancing up every now and then to gaze at a certain box in the audience. Suspicious for no reason than gut instinct, the American whispered a 'be right back' to Quatre and got up to investigate.   
  


Below them, Heero and WuFei whispered to each other, their gazes never leaving the ground although their minds drifted to the two above them, wondering what their once koi and the one who stole him from them were doing. Something caught his eye, and Heero pressed a soft kiss on WuFei's cheek, bending over to whisper in the delicately curved ear, "WuFei, Trowa seems nervous." The prussian blue eyes trained themselves on the youth with the lions, worry obvious in his features. __Something else is wrong. This isn't just about Quatre and Duo anymore.__ "I think we should take those two and see the cast after the show, don't you think?" 

WuFei nodded, his voice pitched so only Heero could hear him, the midnight eyes dark with concern and with worry for what was happening below them. The stand cheered as the circus walked around, showing off each act in a parade of the acts, one after another. "There's someone here that bothers him. You can see by the way he keeps glancing into the stands...there! Like that. I can't figure out where he's looking, though. He's too far away." __Not to mention the fact that he's doing it unnoticeably except to trained pilots like Heero, Duo, Quatre, and I.__ 

"Right over there. In that box. Recognize anyone?" Heero asked, his voice slipping back into the Perfect Soldier's emotionless tone as he exercised talents he hadn't really needed since the war. His eyes remained on the ground, but his head slightly inclined to the left, pointing out which box he spoke of. WuFei glared at him, fixing the Japanese's attitude with a long, lingering kiss which quickly changed Heero back into the character WuFei had come to know and love. 

The Chinese furtively glanced up at the box Heero indicated, his expression calm as he evaluated each of the twelve men inhabiting the said area. None of them appeared to be familiar, but WuFei couldn't be positive. "I don't think I see anyone I know, but one seems dressed as a pilot. You think we should check them out?" he asked, wishing he had thought to bring his glasses. Normally he didn't use them, but he had the sick feeling they would've helped at this point. 

"Do ***you*** think they're a threat, WuFei?" Heero asked slipping his hand into WuFei's. The black eyed boy sighed and shook his head, and they continued watching as Trowa succeeded in almost destroying several of his first acts. "Trowa's got a lot on his mind," the Japanese drily commented, his gaze trained on the youth with the mask. 

"He's wearing that mask for everything, Heero. I thought he only wore it when he performed with the soup maker," WuFei murmured to the blue eyed boy beside him. __What's going on? Trowa, we came to see you to try to force Quatre and Duo to apologize, but you seem to have other things on your mind. Are you going to tell us?__ WuFei wondered, knowing Trowa would never answer the unspoken question. 


	2. Chapter 2: At the Circus

Alone

By OmoideKeeper

* * *

Duo slipped from shadow to shadow, his eyes and ears alert for any sound that would betray his presence to anyone who could be a threat to him. There were no signs of others who held his suspicions, and he felt inwardly surprised that the other pilots hadn't shown up by now. __I thought Heero and Wu would've figured ***something*** out by now. Maybe they're just concentrating on something else.__ It wasn't like the other two to shrug off something like the feeling Duo had. 

It was so easy for him to think of those two as he had before, when they were still lovers. Even so, things were different now. Duo sobered quickly at that thought, his mind drifting back to the present. __Damn it. They want to make me and Q to feel guilty so we'll apologize and make everything ***right*** again. They don't understand! I love them, but I love Quatre too. What the hell's wrong with me? I have to choose, and it looks like I've already made that choice. Or rather, had it made for me.__ 

Duo glanced inside the box in question, his eyes widening in disbelief at what met his gaze as it traveled around the entirety of the box. If Heero and WuFei didn't have any suspicions about this place, they'd dropped far from the soldiers they had been four years ago. There wasn't anything here that wouldn't arouse suspicion in any of the pilots. Surely ***someone*** must have noticed people walking with these. They'd have to have been blind not to. 

Weapons littered the box, ammunition scattered everywhere. __Damn. What we wouldn't have done for this kind of stuff during the war.__ Six men lounged around the box, not watching the circus below them, except for one. The one dressed as a pilot didn't tear his eyes away from what went on far beneath them in the circus, and his eyes seemed to see only one thing down there. __What? No...who?__ Duo wondered, wishing he could see down at what it was which captivated the pilot who sat before him. Something seemed so important about that one fact. 

"Hey, you think anyone's noticed this sh*t yet?" one of the five who lay around asked lazily, taking a drink from a half-empty bottle of beer. Absently, he looked around at the other men, his eyes showing he was obviously drunk. 

"Nah, they're too blind to notice anything. We've been stocking ourselves up for months now, and those circus idiots haven't noticed a thing! I'm telling you, this is the best deal we ever made. We should of done this years ago, boss," another called to the pilot who still watched the circus below them. 

"Maybe." The pilot turned around his eyes calm. "Don't forget the reason we came here, though, Seku." 

"How could I forget if you never told us, boss? You said you needed to find someone, but we've been here all year and we haven't found anything. What's the deal?" the man named Seku asked, his eyes frustrated. Sometimes he regretted working for the pilot who didn't get them into any fights or any other types of amusement Seku loved to watch or participate in. There wasn't any fun in it. 

"Today is when we make our move. Down there, the boy with the half-mask. He goes by the name Trowa Barton. He's the one we've been waiting for." 

"But...That's your name, boss!" Seku protested, not really understanding what was going on with the kid in the circus, but sure that it wasn't something that shouldn't be happening. There could only be one Trowa Barton in the world, and that was the one whom Seku currently served. Another one was just plain blasphemous. 

"I know." 

"So...what're we gonna do to him?" 

A cruel smile came over the face of the blonde pilot named Trowa Barton. "I'm sure you'll enjoy the show, Seku. I'm sure you'll enjoy it to the fullest extent possible." 

Duo's eyes widened. What were these freaks gonna do to Trowa? He'd known that the Trowa he knew had taken his name from another Trowa Barton, but the pilot of Heavyarms had explained that the first Trowa Barton was dead. The man before him was certainly not dead, and was certainly a threat. __Damn it...what the hell's going on? Heero, Wu-man, I need you guys now! Why did all this have to happen today?__ 

Duo turned to leave, his mind drifting to how to explain to the other pilots what he'd heard and how he'd heard it. Heero and WuFei wouldn't like finding out that they hadn't had the instinct to go and check it out, but they needed to know. Trowa was definitely in danger, and they had to do something. 

"Going somewhere, Gundam pilot?" a voice asked as the blonde man who should've piloted Heavyarms stepped out of the shadows. His speech was clear and unmarred by alcohol, unlike the five others who followed him. Something about this man made Duo very uncomfortable. "I didn't think you'd leave so soon after listening to us." 

Duo inwardly swore. How the hell had this guy managed to find him? He knew he hadn't made any sounds, and there shouldn't have been any other way for the pilot to have been noticed. Nothing should've given him away. Oh well. If he couldn't walk right back out of this mess, he'd have to fight and run out. 

He reached for his gun just as the six missing men grabbed him, holding him tightly. Duo felt a white cloth being pushed against his face and drowsiness overcame him as the drug began to sink into his system, forced to breath it to survive. 

As the world began to go black, he could only hope the other pilots would learn of this in time to save Trowa.   
  


The show was over, at least for the pilot of the third gundam. Echos of the laughter from inside the large tent holding the circus continued outside his sanctuary, but he barely noticed. He shivered as he walked towards his trailer, and not from the cold either. __They came. They ***came***. I saw them. They didn't think I would see them, but I did.__ "Damn you, Heero, WuFei. Damn you both," he whispered, shutting the trailer door behind him. He knew they'd brought the other two. That was why he'd left and decided to hide here, to hide away from them. He didn't want to hear forced words from Duo or Quatre. He just wanted to be left alone. 

He stripped off his shirt, freezing as he felt another presence in the room, hidden by the shadows. "So, we meet again, No-name," the voice cut through the air, the same chilling quality as it had been all those years ago with one subtle difference. This time no alcohol marred the speech as it came forth from the mouth of the speaker. 

The pilot of Heavyarms slowly turned around to face the speaker, fear rising up in him as it had that night. "Trowa," he stated, not allowing the fear to reach his eyes. "I thought you were dead." __I hoped you were dead. You ***should*** be dead!__ No-name slowly regarded his situation, trying to find a way out. He could blast a hole in the trailer, he could possibly dash past Trowa, but...he could never defeat the older, more experienced, stronger man. 

"Thinking about running, No-name? It made it interesting the first time, I'll give you that, but I think you wouldn't like the consequences of it now," Trowa warned, motioning to the shadows behind him. The eleven other men from the box stepped forward into the light, holding a bundle just out of No-name's sight. 

"What tricks do you have now, Trowa?" No-name asked, his heart falling as a chestnut braid came into view. __No...he wouldn't dare...yes, he would. Who am I kidding?__ 

"Oh, this is my guest. I think you two have already met." With that, Duo was dumped, unceremoniously into a chair where he was bound hand and foot, preventing him from getting anywhere quickly. The violet eyes dashed around, finding No-name and asking what was going on. The pilot of Deathscythe was gagged, but a few strangled sounds came from him as he realized something was going on between No-name and Trowa he'd never known about. 

__Damn you to Hell, Trowa. What do you want?!__ No-name remained silent, his eyes begging Duo for forgiveness. If he didn't do something soon, the braided pilot would be the one who would suffer the consequences. 

A snap, and the men removed the gag from Duo, pulling their hands back quickly just in case. "What the hell's going on?" Duo spat, glaring at Trowa, trying to understand what was going on. __Where the hell's everyone else? Q's got his space heart, and Heero and Wu-man have gotta have some suspicions by NOW. So where the hell is everyone?__ 

"This is Trowa Barton. The one whom I saw die," No-name's voice traveled through the air to fall on Duo's ears. While no emotion entered the calm voice, the other pilot had known No-name for too long to mistake the calm facade for the real thing. Beneath the mask No-name wore, fear and confusion warred for dominance. __He's supposed to be dead. He's not supposed to be alive! I'm not supposed to have to be afraid of him anymore!__ No-name thought. 

"I figured that, but what the hell's he think he's doing?" 

"No-name," Trowa's voice cut through the air, calling all attention back to him. "If you want to save your friend, you should cooperate. Don't you think?" he asked mockingly, moving towards the one who bore no name. "Otherwise he might have to..." Trowa trailed off suggestively, causing something in Duo to go ice-cold. 

__That bastard...would he really...__ Duo thought, his eyes darting to No-name, asking, 'He wouldn't, would he? This isn't what I think, right?' The gaze he got back from the one he called his friend froze his blood and pained his soul, 

"What do you want, Trowa?" No-name asked, trying to find a way out. He felt himself falling back to the youth he'd been before the war, before he'd gained the name of the man who stood before him. Something within him had snapped, and he was going back to the insecure youth who'd worked as a mechanic because he could do very little else. An evil smile came over the face of Trowa Barton as he knew he'd won. 

"Strip."   
  


The men finally left, leaving the green-eyed pilot on the ground where he'd fallen after they'd finished. The bonds on the braided black-clad boy had been snapped in his fight to get towards his friends and save him, and he lay unconscious where he'd sat on the chair. Tears leaked from the taller pilot's eyes, falling onto the ground beneath him. He felt so unbearably violated and humiliated, taken before the person who he'd cared for as a friend. 

He slowly dragged himself to his feet, barely managing to make it to the bathroom where the meager contents of his stomach left him. A moan from the other room warned him Duo had woken from the forced unconsciousness, and he quickly locked the door behind him. He couldn't face the pity in those violet eyes, couldn't face the way Duo would act, would revile him. More than anything, he didn't want to have to face the time when Duo would tell the others. 

A knock came on the door, and he remained silent, hoping the American pilot would give up and go away, leaving the emerald-eyed boy alone with his thoughts and regrets. "Are they gone?" the question came, Duo's voice sounding harsher than his usual tone, but a thousand times gentler than the cold voice which of Trowa Barton. "Hey, are they gone?" Duo knew the pilot he knew as Trowa wouldn't answer the question if he asked if he was ok. 

The pilot of 03 swallowed twice before answering the other pilot, knowing it was too much to hope the passionate youth would leave him by himself for too long, "They're gone, Duo." He quickly found some clothes he'd left in the bathroom before the performance and hurried to dress himself, making sure no one could see through the invisible mask he wore over his mind and heart before he came out to see how Duo was doing. 

"Are you all right?" he asked of the shorter pilot as he reentered the room. 

Duo blinked. The guy had just been...and he was asking if DUO was ok? "Yeah..fine..." he mumbled, unsure of how to act. There had to be something he could do to help the guy through what he was going through. There was something he should say, but he couldn't figure it out. Maybe the others would know what to say... He rubbed his wrists absently, trying to reinstate the circulation to his fingers that had been cut off through bindings tied too tight. 

"Duo..." 

"Yeah?" Duo looked up at the pilot who now sat on the bed. Something that had always been shielded behind those glazed eyes was now apparent in the pain which appeared. It was quickly hidden once again, but the violet eyed pilot wasn't fooled. __IDIOT!!! First I go and steal his boyfriend, then THIS happens. Can't I do anything right?__ 

"I have a favor to ask." 

"Sure..." 

"Don't tell the others about this." 

Duo's eyes widened. What the hell did this guy mean? Once the others found out, that Trowa guy would be toast! "But--" 

"Promise." 

"I can't promise that!" 

"Promise." 

"No!" 

"Promise." 

"No!" 

"Duo. Promise." 

"But..." 

"Promise." 

Duo remained silent. He could understand why the emerald-eyed pilot asked it of him, but how could he just not say anything about it? Duo was his FRIEND for god's sake. Finally, after an eternity, he nodded, killing part of what remained of his heart as he did this. He would promise this for the friend he cared about, but he knew it was wrong. __Damn you. I can't do this! But...it would kill the others to know what happened. I don't know!__ 

"Thank you."   
  


"Heero," Quatre whispered into the Japanese pilot's ear, moving near the other two. He felt hesitant about approaching the two, especially since he'd made such a fuss about coming, but they had to know what was going on. "I...Duo said he wanted to check something out. He said he'd be right back, but it's been almost four acts and he hasn't come back. Something's wrong." 

The once Perfect Soldier merely nodded, looking at WuFei. The same look caught in the Chinese pilot's eyes and they stood. "Where did he go, Quatre?" Heero asked as they moved away from the crowds. A sickening feeling rose in his stomach as the blonde vaguely indicated the direction of the box. Could he and WuFei have both been wrong about the... 

"Sh*t," WuFei swore softly. The men in the box were missing, leaving behind nothing they could see other than a flight jacket draped over the corner of the box as if flaunting the fact that the pilots hadn't noticed what had happened there until it was too late for them to do anything that would save anyone. The three of them raced towards the box futilely only to find the weapons and ammunition spread around, almost as if the owners wanted someone to find the evidence of their passing. "Heero..." WuFei began, looking at his koibito. 

Heero nodded again, and the three moved towards the ground level where the trailers were located. The three rushed down to their goal, freezing as a voice came from behind them, cheerful and warning all at once, "Hello. What are all of you doing here?" Catherine walked towards them, her eyes confused and a bit wary. Trowa had returned to her calmer and distant as ever, but there was another trace of pain and sadness within those eyes which never fully opened. She wasn't quite a fool, she knew it had something to do with the boys before her...most likely the blonde. Trowa had made it quite apparent (although he didn't think so) that he loved the Arabian, but it seemed as though something had gone wrong with that love. She wasn't about to let this go without a reason. 

"C-Catherine," Quatre stumbled, refusing to meet the girl's gaze. "What a pleasure to see you here. We were just about to...go see Trowa, and..." 

WuFei cleared his throat. "Quatre, why don't you stay here and talk to Catherine? We'll go see Trowa and you can come as soon as you two have a nice talk, ok?" the Chinese boy suggested, moving with his koibito towards the trailers. 

The two quickly left without allowing Quatre a chance of protesting. "Miss Catherine, I..." 

"Do you think we should've helped him?" WuFei asked Heero as they made their way to Trowa's trailer, stopping just outside of it to look at his koibito seriously. "After all, she's not likely to let him off after he made Trowa so unhappy. You know how protective she gets of him." __Besides which, we don't know what we're going to see in there.__ 

"Quatre should be able to justify his actions to her if he has any justification at all. I'm sure she'll find out exactly why he did it. It should answer a lot of questions. Besides, we don't know what we're going to see inside there, and we don't know whether or not it will be appropriate for his eyes," Heero replied, placing his hand on the door. 

"You suspect something?" 

"Maybe." 

The two opened the door and stared at the scene before them. 

Trowa sat on the bed, watching Duo who rubbed his bruised wrists, uncomfortable under the other boy's gaze. The braided pilot searched for words to say as he heard the door open. 

Three things happened simultaneously. 

Trowa stood, knowing Duo would keep his promise. Duo never lied. He wouldn't tell the others about what had happened. 

Duo looked down at the ground, finding it preferable to look at an inanimate object than his ex-lovers after what he'd just been forced to witness. 

Heero, taking in the situation as it appeared to the war-trained eyes of the once Perfect Soldier, walked towards Trowa with a calm expression on his face. 

And promptly slugged him. 

"HEERO!" Duo shouted, tackling the Japanese pilot with shock written all over his face. Heero gently pushed him away and went for Trowa again. 

Trowa closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm the warring emotions. The part of him trained demanded he fight back, but the side of him not even the harsh training he received could uncover cowered in fear at the memory of others who had hit him in the past. __No...I don't want to go back then...I have to stay focused. I knew how this looked. I deserved that. Besides, this will help appearances, will keep them from asking.__ 

"YAMERO!" Duo yelled, grabbing Heero's legs and pulling the once Perfect Soldier to the ground. "Heero, stop! This isn't what it looks like!" 

"Kisama..." WuFei hissed at Trowa as he walked over, his eyes narrowing. Even though Duo was the one who had stolen Trowa's lover, the green-eyed pilot had no right to harm him. Duo wasn't someone who Trowa could take his frustrations out on, no matter the reason. __We were doing this for you! How could you just go and...__ "You..." 

"WUFEI!!!" Duo practically screamed, gaining the other's attention. "STOP. THIS. ISN'T. WHAT. IT. LOOKS. LIKE," Duo proclaimed very loudly and slowly. The Asian's stared at him, skepticism clear on their faces. The American suddenly felt uncomfortable. "I know this looks bad, but...he...really didn't do anything!" 

"What happened?" Heero asked, still death-glaring at Trowa. 

Duo inwardly slumped. "I...I..." 

Heero and WuFei looked at each other, similar thoughts running through their minds. "So, you can't tell us what happened, Duo?" WuFei asked. 

Duo nodded. 

"Does Trowa have something to do with what you can't tell us?" Heero asked. 

Duo closed his eyes. This was going to be bad. He nodded again, praying to whatever god was there that Trowa would survive the wrath of the two before him. 


	3. Chapter 3

        After some very fast talking by Duo, the five G-boys headed back to the safe house in utter and complete silence. Heero drove, keeping his eyes on the road and not allowing himself to think about the three he and WuFei had put in the back of the car. WuFei next to him lost himself in thought, trying to figure out exactly what they were all supposed to do when they got back. 

        Quatre stared out the window, trying to keep his mind off of Trowa, who sat next to him. _ _He attacked Duo, right? That's what Heero and WuFei said. But I can't imagine Trowa doing that! He's just so...Trowa! He wouldn't hurt Duo. But then, what really happened? Duo won't say what happened, and Trowa's just as silent as ever, so there's no real telling what happened.__ He sighed and shifted further away, trying to sort out his conflicting emotions over the green-eyed youth next to him. 

        The chesnut haired boy on the other side of Wing Honda also shifted closer to the door, trying to force his thoughts away from what had happened in the trailer. Trowa seemed so calm now, and Duo could almost believe that nothing had happened...if he didn't have the memories of that cold voice belonging to the original Trowa Barton ringing through his mind. _ _Damn it...I could end whatever Heero and Wu, and maybe even Quatre, think if he would just let me!__ Frustrated, he looked out the window, hoping for a sign of what to do. 

        Trowa just sat and looked ahead, wondering how he'd gotten here. He seemed to be doing that a lot. Duo had dragged Heero and WuFei off him with the assistance of Quatre, but that didn't explain what he was doing riding back to the place he'd run away from. It was all so blurry in his mind now, and he wasn't sure of what was going to happen next. _ _They don't know, and I'd like to keep it that way. Even if they don't trust me, and they think I hurt Duo, it's better this way. This is the way it is.__ 

        Once they reached the safe house, Heero quickly left the car, pausing only a moment to wait for WuFei to join him before entering the house. Quatre was next, and the two remaining watched as the blonde tried to keep from sprinting after the two asians. And then there were two. 

        Duo lasted for a full two minutes longer before he stood and walked inside, being very careful to keep his pace normal. He couldn't bring himself to speak to the youth he incriminated with the promised silence. 

        Trowa was alone, watching the house and wondering how long it would be before he ever found trust in it again. He rose with a sigh, and walked inside, feeling an incredible sensation wash over him as he entered. He was home. No matter that there was no longer anything for him here, this was where he'd found a sanctuary, and nothing could take that feeling away.   
  


        Several days later, he'd found 'nothing'. He no longer found sanctuary within the confines of the house. He found only a living, breathing hell. Every time he walked down the hall, he could practically feel the whispers from Heero and WuFei, the distrust so thick all around he almost tasted it. He never escaped Quatre's gaze, asking 'Why?'. However, that wasn't the worst part of it all. 

        Duo was slowly becoming a shell of the bright, happy person they'd all known, the combination of lack of trust and what he'd witnessed leisurely destroying the American's heart and soul. Trowa had the benefit of a room right next door to Duo's, and every night he could hear the muffled tears from the room, the tears the proud youth would never share with the others. 

        The pilot of Heavyarms sighed as he rose, dreading the coming day. His world had become a never-ending cycle of shifting masks. Creeping downstairs, he froze as he listened in on the conversation two of his fellow pilots were having in the kitchen in the gray haze before dawn. 

        "He's hiding something, Heero." 

        "Which one, WuFei?" 

        "Both of them. Something happened in that trailer that they're not telling us." 

        "I know that. You know that. We've discussed this already. But do you want to try to find out what's going on?" 

        "Maybe!" The sound of someone standing abruptly and a chair skidding backwards cut through the air, followed by Heero's hushing noises. A long silence followed, and finally WuFei continued. "Maybe I do. Whatever it is, it's killing Duo." 

        Trowa sensed the longing behind those words. The two in the kitchen still cared about the long-haired beauty, just as he still cared for Quatre, and it was destroying them to watch Duo become the shell he was. He longed to be able to go to Quatre and explain the entire thing, to explain what had happened and why it had ended up looking that way, but he couldn't. 

        "Do you really think he'd tell us?" Heero asked softly. "Trowa did something so Duo wouldn't tell us." WuFei began to protest, and Heero hushed him. "No, I don't think this is all Trowa's fault. But what's happening to Duo *is* partially his fault, if only because he won't let him tell us." 

        Trowa crept away without listening to WuFei's response, knowing the truth in that accusation. It *was* his fault that Duo was slowly becoming hollow. He leaned against the wall once back inside his room, trying to figure out what he could do to fix things without completely destroying the fragile life everyone had built inside the pain-torn house they'd once called home. 

        And the answer came to him.   
  


        Duo awoke suddenly, feeling a rush of the memories touch him. He leaned back in the silken bed, wondering what he could do. "Damn it, Trowa," he whispered softly, finally able to call his friend by that name again. "Why won't you let me tell them? They won't think any less of you. They'll just want to help you!" he added, the feeling of hopelessness coming over him. 

        He'd been getting royal treatment from Heero, Quatre, and WuFei since they'd returned from the circus, something he'd longed for. Even so, it felt...foul, a prize given for another's pain. He watched how they treated Trowa and he wished he could slap some sense into the others, to make them *see* what had really happened. At first he'd thought Heero or Quatre would find out, they were both close to Trowa, but when neither of them made a move, Duo felt frustrated and angry. It wasn't *fair* that Trowa had made him promise not to tell! 

        He felt tears welling up in his eyes, and he pushed them away angrily, wiping them away with the back of his hand. It wasn't time for him to be crying! There wasn't anything new about this. He'd been dealing with it for days, and he hadn't cried in the day. The night was the time for tears. 

        He stood and dressed himself in dark clothes that he was pretty sure he'd worn the day before. Walking downstairs, he caught a glimpse in the mirror of himself, and he winced. A gaunt face stared back at him, dark circles under the eyes from lack of sleep and guilt. Paler than the moon, he gave off the appearance of a ghost, and he sighed. He needed to work on that. 

        Stumbling downstairs, he made it to the kitchen before he almost collapsed from lack of nutrition. He hadn't eaten in...two days? Three days? He wasn't sure. He'd taken what the others had given him with a smile and promptly trashed it. He had no appetite for food. Every time he looked at something edible, he had a flash of what had happened at the circus, and decided against it. 

        He was caught by two pairs of strong arms, placing him gently, as if he was made of porcelain, in a soft chair. He tried to protest as he felt steaming eggs placed in front of his mouth, but the smell was too alluring. He opened his mouth, and felt the eggs slide delicately over his tounge. 

        The American fought his stomach, and retained the food, beginning to dig into it greedily. A soft murmur passed above him, but he paid it no mind as he continued shoveling food into his mouth. More food appeared on his plate, as if by magic, and he didn't question it, he just continued eating, but suddenly realized what had happened when he began to feel tired. 

        "Damn you, Heero...WuFei..." he managed before he fell asleep, drugged into a deep slumber. 

        "You needed it," Heero whispered as he and the Chinese picked up their slender ex-lover, and carried him back to his bed.   
  


        Quatre walked down the flight of stairs closest to the kitchen, trying to find some semblance of breakfast. He needed to think about what was causing this disturbance. He hadn't been able to 'feel' anything from his space heart in days, and it was strange to say the least. There had to be some reason, and he knew he could find it if he concentrated long enough. 

        Unfortunately to concentrate he needed some sort of nutrition in his system. Hoping someone else had found the kitchen first, (he was still unsure about his own abilities this early in the morning) he moved in wearily. There had to be *something* edible that he didn't have to cook, right? At the very least he could most likely manage to make himself some tea. Tea wasn't hard. 

        Heero and WuFei looked up at him as he entered, their minds thinking in the same way. They sat him down, and wordlessly handed him a plate of food. Under normal circumstances, he would've thought twice when they had that look on their faces, but he was too tired and worried about Duo and Trowa to do anything resembling coherent thought, at least until he'd eaten. 

        That proved to be his downfall. 

        Eyes slipping shut, he futilely tried to glare at the two above him. "Can't you do this when I'm...not trying to...think..." he whispered as he submitted to the darkness beginning to surround him.   
  


        "Heero, do you think it was wise to drug them?" WuFei asked as he sat back down after carrying Quatre up to his room. "I know they needed sleep, but that wasn't really a good reason to drug them." WuFei failed to mention it had also been his idea, and the fact that he desperately wanted to drug Trowa if he came down for breakfast, something he wouldn't do if he followed the trend of the past several days...ever since they'd come back from the circus in fact. 

        The Japanese pilot looked over at his lover and sighed. "No, it probably wasn't a good idea, but I don't really see an alternative *now*." He raked a hand through his already ruffled hair, wondering how to get themselves out of this glorious mess. There wasn't really anything to do now. 

        "Perhaps we should go talk to Trowa now that the other two are out of the way," WuFei suggested, his eyes darting towards the upstairs to the room the quiet pilot inhabited. 

        "Maybe," Heero replied, not willing to commit to anything. Trowa seemed so unstable, and the ex-Perfect Soldier didn't want to hasten things one way or another in any way, shape, or form. If anything happened, he didn't want it to be his lover's fault. "But then again, we don't know what'll happen. If we don't talk to him, things won't get any worse, but if we do talk to him, things get unsure." 

        "I suppose," WuFei sighed, leaning against Heero. The two of them sat in silence for a moment before the Chinese cleared his throat. "What do you think about the...previous situation?" he asked, wondering if it was a good idea to even ask Heero about that. 

        A long hush was the only reply for a while, and finally Heero responded. "Do you still love him?" he asked, not ready to commit to anything while his lover still remained on the sidelines. 

        "Duo?" WuFei thought aloud, knowing innately that Heero would answer that question that wasn't really a question. But he didn't care. He wasn't sure of anything else. What *did* he feel for the American? Certainly he was worried about the lithe youth, giving his current condition. Of course he was. He'd be just as concerned if it was anyone else. Love? That was...more unsure. WuFei had loved the violet eyed pilot since he'd seen him, but knowing that Duo had...slept with Quatre, he was more hesitant about their relationship. 

        "Yes, Duo," Heero confirmed, knowing the real reason WuFei asked. He had his own feelings to sort out. Just saying the name of the beauty clothed in black made him feel almost as if he could still reach out and touch the youth who called himself the God of Death. In the silence of his own thoughts, he could admit that he still loved the slender pilot. He could think it. But he couldn't say it. And he couldn't let go of the fact that Duo, most likely, didn't love him anymore. 

        A soft sigh came from WuFei. "Yes," he barely whispered, knowing that Heero would understand. "I still love him." It felt so strange to utter that truth, to know that anyone else listening could hear that acknowledgement. At the same time, it seemed to take away some of the clouds in his life. 

        "So do I," Heero murmured, resting his head on WuFei's, wondering if they'd ever get a chance to tell the braided youth before he destroyed himself. "So do I."   
  


        Carefully locking the door behind him, Trowa sat down at the wooden desk provided, like everything else, by the Winner family fortune, and Quatre's good will. He didn't know how to start the note he intended to leave for the other pilots, but he knew the others deserved to hear whatever he had to say. If he could just manage to think of something, anything. 

        Finally, after what seemed like eternity, he began to write, losing himself in the words. He didn't notice when the doors on either side of him opened and shut, nor when they repeated the action mere moments later. Wrapped up in the ecstasy of telling the story he'd never be able to say in words, he lost himself and found himself within the truths he told. 

        Finishing, he reached under the bed to pull out an unused silencer for his gun. Fitting it carefully over the gun, he sighed softly. A release from this. A way to end the lack of trust within the safe house. 

        Raising the silenced gun to his temple, he pulled the trigger.   
  


        Quatre's eyes flew open. He'd had the worst nightmare after being drugged by the Asian pilots. He'd dreamed that Trowa had been raped and that the pilot he'd first given his heart to kept quiet to keep the others from feeling guilting, forcing Duo to promise to keep the event a secret. That eventually, Trowa had killed himself because of the guilt of bringing this pain to his friends, and the guilt of watching it slowly destroy the American pilot because of the violet-eyed's inborn sense of right and wrong. 

        Thank Allah it was only a dream.   
  


        Duo rolled over, his eyes focusing. He thought he'd heard a muffled gunshot, but it was probably his overactive imagination working too hard again. Standing, he moved towards his door, trying to guess where the stotic Trowa could be found at this time of day, and whether or not he would've succumbed to the drugged food. If he wanted to get this guilt off his chest, the American needed the nearly silent youth to remove the promise he'd made. If he wanted to survive with his mind. 

        _ _Library?__ Nope. _ _Garden?__ Not there. _ _Kitchen?__ Only Heero and WuFei. _ _Room?__ Last place. Duo raced up the stairs, returning to the floor he'd been on minutes earlier. Knocking on the door, he recieved no answer, causing him to inwardly protest. If someone knocked, you were *supposed* to answer. Trying the doorknob and finding it locked, he sighed and plucked a lockpick from his braid, _ _Knew this would come in handy,__ and opened the door. 

        And tried to keep from screaming or vomiting. 

        Trowa's body lay on the ground, seemingly asleep until one noticed the hole in the side on his head. He'd chosen the single shot carefully, making sure very little (preferably no) blood would spill onto the lush white carpet. Within his hand the gun which had taken his life was still held tightly, as if holding onto his last tie to this world. 

        Duo moved towards the desk, eyes drawn to a sheet of paper, the words of which were hidden by distance. He picked it up quickly, and fled.   
  


        Once safe in his room, he began to read. 

        _Duo~_   
_                I'm sure this seems like an odd way to start a letter, and it most likely is. I don't know another way to say this though. I'm guessing you'll be the one to find this, so I'm going to write it to you. If it's someone else reading this, I'm sorry for assuming it would be Duo. But since I'm going to think of you as Duo, I'll refer to you as such._

        Typical Trowa. Unsure of how things were going to sound, so he was always more likely to listen than to actually talk. When he spoke though, it always sounded so thought out, not like this letter. This was full of raw emotion, unfettered, as if someone had broken down a dam which had been in place for years and years. 

                Quatre told me what you two had been doing, around the same time as Heero and WuFei confronted you, I suppose. I listened to him, and I simply sat there, watching him, not saying a word, as he took my heart, and, instead of breaking it, tore it into shreds. I left two nights after that. I couldn't stay in the safe house any longer, knowing what was going on. 

               _ I went to Catherine and she gave me a spot where I felt I belonged. I knew that there was nothing there for me, but I found it infinitely preferable to returning to the safe house, going back to the place where the pieces of my heart still lay, bleeding and torn, ripped to shreds.___

_                You know what happened after that. It wasn't the first time, as I'm sure you picked up from what he said. The first time was a long time ago, but I still remember it clearly. Far too clearly.___

_                He was drunk after a party thrown by the other pilots for his birthday. I was working on what would become Heavyarms, but I was alone, prefering to work by myself than in the clamor of the other mechanics. I was afraid of them, afraid they'd shun me. Too afraid to do anything but work alone. And that was my downfall.___

        Duo had to concentrate to continue reading, knowing that if he stopped he'd never finish, even though his hands were shaking and he could barely make out the carefully formed letters. The note was addressed to him, and he had the feeling he needed to finish before finding the others. 

                _I saw him coming, and as he got closer I began to guess his intentions. I tried to run from him, but he caught me, and he laughed when I tried to get away from him again. We both knew he was stronger than I was, and that no matter what he would get what he wanted, one way or another. He told me if I tried to call for help, he'd kill me and kill all the others in the building, so I kept quiet. I was good at keeping quiet.___

        A feeling of revulsion rose in Duo's stomach as he realized the pain it must have cost Trowa to even write this. It was quickly followed by amazement that Trowa had actually wanted *Duo* to know this. 

                _He supposedly died a few days later. Damn it, I *saw* him die. I didn't tell anyone what had happened. It wasn't something that was going to happen again, he was dead, and I wasn't going to let anyone else take advantage of me, I wasn't going to let anyone get close to me ever again. I swore I wouldn't.___

_                But then, I was his replacement during the war. And I met all of you._

                _I loved Quatre from the first time I heard his voice, telling me that we shouldn't fight. I remember the way the sun shone down on him, illuminating his perfect features, his eyes still innocent. That was the Quatre I fell in love with. I surrendered to him, but he told me he had surrendered. He didn't realize that I was surrendering more than my body, I surrendered my heart and soul to him in that instant.___

_                And you stole him from me._

        Duo's eyes closed in agony for a moment, reading that simple truth. He *had* stolen Quatre from Trowa, even though he hadn't meant to. It wasn't something that could be taken back, anymore than the wound that had killed the quiet youth could be taken back. He read on. 

                _I don't blame you, Duo. I know what Quatre's like. And I ask for your forgiveness for making you feel like this is your fault._

        _ _What?__ Duo thought, reading those words. 

                _Duo, we've had our differences in the past, but that really means nothing when it comes down to it. I loved Quatre, but he chose you. I can't resent you for that. This isn't your fault. Wakatta?_

        Was it that obvious that he would feel guilty? Duo looked across the room into the mirror he'd hung there, and acknowledged the answer with a wince. He was *really* bad at hiding things like that. 

                _Go, tell the others what happened, Duo. And..._

        The writing stopped, and Duo didn't know whether or not to continue reading, whether or not to run and find the others. 

        His hands shook, but he forced his eyes upon the last words. 

              _  Tell Quatre...I love him. I'll always love him. And make sure that he knows it's not his fault. Make sure they all know it's not their fault._

        There was no signature, but who needed one? Duo sprinted downstairs, collapsing in the living room, tears flowing down his cheeks as he grieved in silence. 


	4. Sorry....

Dear Readers,   
I'm very sorry that I haven't updated, but I've been trying to write an epilogue and have been really busy with a lot of personal stuff. Please understand.   
Originally, contrary to popular belief, this was not going to be the ending of the story, but a friend told me that she thought my story sucked, and since I appreciate my friend's opinion (most of the time) I decided to end it. The epilogue WILL be up within the next week.   
Please bear with me, and thank you for your patience. I promise you that I'll get right on it.   
~Omoide 


	5. Epilogue

Alone

Epilogue

By OmoideKeeper

* * *

Trowa, 

I didn't know you half as well as I should've, and somehow I know I'm less for it. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions, as you know. I always wondered what you were really thinking, but we never really got a chance to talk. 

I suppose...what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for what happened. We didn't know, and we suspected the worst from you...probably because it's what we might've done in that situation. We're all too bitter now, Trowa. Can you possibly forgive me for what happened? 

Duo told us the truth. Don't get mad at him for doing it, it made us understand you, and it made it understand what we'd done. I just wish you'd told us sooner, Trowa. Told us before this happened. Told us before any of this happened. 

Quatre's taking it harder than anyone else, really. He's shut himself up in his room, and Duo's constantly at his door now, begging him to come out. I wish...but there's no use wishing, is there? He did love you, you know that, don't you? 

Somehow, I know we'll all get through this, Trowa. Hilde told us writing to you might help get these feelings out, but I'm not so sure. I don't know if we really want to let you go, Trowa. Selfish as it may seem, we want you back. As things go, Quatre will come out of his room eventually. Duo will settle down. WuFei's anxiety will decrease. And we'll all move on. 

But that doesn't mean that knowing this makes it any easier right now. 

Trowa, you always were the silent one, and somehow we didn't question you. Duo and WuFei questioned me until I gave in to them, but you...you never really got the chance. Quatre was too sweet to ask, and you were too...something to tell. But you wanted to, didn't you? I know you did, Trowa. I wanted to tell someone too. 

But you didn't get the chance. 

We'll get the bastard who did this, Trowa. I swear it to you. 

~Heero Yuy 

* * *

I don't really know how to start this letter. It's...not really like me to not be able to talk, is it? Oh well. I'm the out there one, but I don't really know what to say. Hmph. I'm not even sure what to call you anymore. 

But that doesn't matter, does it? You're still the guy you were before, quiet and sort of...overlooked, I guess. I know we didn't give you the respect you deserved, but we kinda...counted on you to just be there. You were...the person who was right there, who we could count on for anything. But now...now you're gone, and it's hard on all of us. 

It's not that I wish we didn't need you so much, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that we've been...having a hard time getting over it. Quatre's locked himself in his room, and I don't know when he's going to come out. Heero's done the same thing. WuFei's locked himself in the library. And I've been trying to get them to come out. 

It's kinda strange. You didn't really talk, but without you the house is different. It's...emptier. And I think we all hate it that way. I know I do. It's worse than when you went back to the circus, because this time we know you won't come back. It's worse than any other time I can think of, and everyone wants to get away from it. 

You know, you were always the quiet one. Even when Heero was talking in one word or less sentences you always just...seemed quieter than him. Something about your personality I guess. You were always so secretive, and...I guess, I wish you'd opened up to us more. Maybe it's our fault for not asking, but I guess we assumed there would be another time. 

Well, that time passed. And I'm sorry, Trowa. We should've done something. I don't know what we can do to make up for that, but I swear, we'll think of something. If there's one thing we do, we'll get that bastard. I promise. 

Duo Maxwell 

* * *

Tro-chan, 

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I ever let any of this happen, any and all of it. I'm so sorry that I never got a chance to tell you how much I really loved you. How much I still love you. You were my world, Tro-chan, my strong, steady koibito, but I didn't know it. And I let you walk out of my life. I thought I didn't need you, but I was wrong. I was so wrong. 

Tro-chan, I don't see how you could ever forgive me. I don't see why you would. But...I can't go on like this. Tro-chan, koibito...I love you. It's never been that hard to say, but I never told you that, did I? No, I guess I didn't. 

You told me, Tro-chan, but I couldn't even give you that, could I? You gave me everything I ever wanted, but I shoved it back in your face. And I'm sorry, even though I know that couldn't possibly make up for what I did. 

Now, you're gone, and Duo's the only one who's not holed up in a room. There's no real reason to come out. I don't want to walk outside and have to face the fact that you're not here, that you're not going to come back. I don't want to have to realize that this past few weeks haven't been a horrible nightmare of events. 

But I guess I already know that, don't I? Tro-chan...What do I do? What can I do now? There's nothing left. Duo's as good as gone to me, and you are gone. I've got no one left, Tro-chan. I'm all alone now. So, what do I do? 

...Is this how you felt, Tro-chan, when I chose Duo? Did you feel so powerless, so utterly helpless? Is this why you left, so you wouldn't have to face this feeling everyday you woke up and knew you were alone? 

I'm so sorry I put you through so much, Tro-chan. I'm so, so sorry. Maybe these words may seem like they don't mean anything, but I am sorry. What happened shouldn't have happened, and for that you have my apologies, but...why'd you have to...? Why? 

Aishiteru...   
Your Little One 

* * *

Barton- 

I don't know how to say this. You shouldn't have gone off and done that, you know. It's caused nothing but trouble for the rest of us. You should've told us, and not gone all melodramatic on us. This could've ended in many different ways. 

But that wasn't my decision. I may not agree with what you did, or how you handled the situation, I may think it was melodramatic, but you were the one who pulled the trigger. You were the one who made that decision, Barton. 

So, now I suppose it's time for me to make my apologies. 

I'm sorry I was hard on you after the circus. I expected the worst from you, and that was wrong of me. 

I'm sorry you didn't trust us enough to tell us what had happened to you. Or to let Maxwell tell us at least. 

I'm sorry you never got a chance to make up with Quatre. He loves you. 

I could go on, but I know I'd only end up embarassing both of us. So, I won't. 

Duo told us about that kisama. We'll deal with him. Don't worry about that. He won't escape us for long. He can't. 

Damn you, why'd you have to go and get melodramatic? It's only made everything worse, you know. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone falls apart after this. But that's not something you'll have to deal with. 

I've locked myself in the library. It's been a great chance for me to catch up on reading Quatre's books. Duo's been kind enough to deliver food to the three of us locked in various places. Last time I checked, Heero had moved to the attic. 

We're losing each other, Barton. But maybe killing that kisama will bring us a little closure. Maybe it will bring us a little more peace. 

Rest in Peace, Barton. 

Chang WuFei 

* * *

Author's Note: 

I'm really sorry it took this long to come out, and thank you everyone who read this story and reviewed it. I'm also really sorry if anyone thinks I made WuFei into a bad person in the above letter, but let me explain before you flame me. My friends and I've each claimed a GW boy, and we RPG as them sometimes. I'm annoyed at the person who's WuFei right now (she's the one who said this story sucked) and so I kinda took it out on WuFei. I'm sorry WuFei fans. It's nothing personal, I think Wu's a great guy. 

For all you people who don't like the way I portrayed Trowa, or the way I always have horrible things happen to him, let me put it to you this way. I claimed Trowa, and I take out my frustrations on him because he's my bishie and I RPG as him. I love Trowa, and please don't think that I'm a horrible person for writing these deathfics and rape fics about Trowa. If I do it to him it's because I'm mad at myself, and I RPG as him, therefore I 'am' him sometimes. See? 

Once again, thank you to everyone who's read my work and reviewed it. If you ever want a specific fanfic for something I might know of, don't hesitate to e-mail me and I'll do my best to accommodate you. Thanks again! 


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